This is just who she is: Always a place for this, a time for that, everything under (CONTROL). She just loves (CONTROL), doesn’t know who she is without it.
So burnout is real, people.
And I didn’t really realize how real it was until I was knee deep into my last project realizing that I didn’t want to do this anymore. I couldn’t keep bankrolling my groovy lifestyle. The stress of it was physically affecting my health and it just wasn’t fun. I knew that during the creative process there was a chance that I would feel like I was an island. It was lonelier than that. I knew that I was pouring money into one show that I would make for one night, but something wasn’t right, something felt different this time. Maybe it was the fact that now that we were fiscally sponsored I felt like we had to live up to some expectation of how a budding dance company was supposed to look. Perhaps the combination of how stressful my job was with the added stress of the company took all the fun away. It was hard to focus on the quality of work and creative process; the two components that got me into this game when I didn’t have any energy for it. Excuses, excuses aside, I know that in my heart don’t want to make work in this way anymore. I need a break to shift my personal paradigms of how I expect to be creative.
i n t i m a t e spaces was supposed to be about how vulnerable it feels to be intimate with people, but I think in the end the piece was about disappointment. I am beyond excited to move to New York and start at NYU, but I also feel like I kind of failed with the whole dancing thing, and this was not the first time either. Over and over I kept redefining what it meant to be a dancer/choreographer, but I never lived up to my standards. I was working so much to be able to afford to rehearse and show work I didn’t have time to make. That being said, I think that the piece turned out beautifully.
I couldn’t have asked for better collaborators and designers and I am so grateful that everything came together and we were able to make this piece. It was a perfect goodbye.
I am looking forward to moving to NYC, to be able to have a singular focus, and just to have fun again. I want to be light hearted again and laugh… just laugh all the time.